Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Funny The Way It Is

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I was just on facebook and a “friend” asked the question, “What inspires you?”thing is, this friend and I had a "falling out" years ago, so calling us friends is bit of a stretch. She is a friend of my husbands, they were college buddies, I did not quite fit and in true, "Sam Style" I just chalked it up to, "we don't get each other" and ended the whole thing, which is why I was stunned to find her friend request on faceboook. I accepted and her words tonight, the question, "What inspires you?"...they make me think I might have acted too quickly.

I instinctively hit the “comment” button but found myself hovering over the tiny blank box…what could I say that might not offend her, shock her or damage an already fragile situation? Thing was….I loved the question and found a little spark of, “Maybe she does want to know me…or we have more in common than I thought” so I replied with a long silly list of things that inspire me;

Love
Friends
Family
Fries
Snorting Laughter
A Hit of Pot
Dave Matthews (Yes I am currently obsessed)
Writers
Trust
Feet Pounding on a Dance Floor
Champagne
Gooey Cheeses
Knowing That My Son Loves & Trusts Me



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Bunch of other junk but once I hit the little blue comment button I started to feel sad, real sad. The reason…I had just spent all afternoon with one of my greatest inspirations, Amy…and she is moving, sigh.

Long time readers know my little monster well, she is that little voice in my head that says, “Go for it Sam, who deserves it more than you?” and I fold like a cheap Spanish fan, I would walk through burning glass for that girl. We spend almost all our free time together, she has been my muse, she makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has, her sparkling face can brighten my day…and scare the shit out of me, at the same time, that big, white, toothy grin has some naughty attached to it…through burning glass, still.

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Amy’s hubby, Sexy Bitch has been promoted, a big one…one you don’t pass up, if you know what I’m saying, the catch….they have to move to Dallas for a few years, a big fucking, heartbreaking catch for us, for all of us. I met Amy at The Wine Country, she was a longtime friend of our then, French wine buyer Kelly. I had heard all about Amy, like years before I had ever met her, felt like I knew her….I didn’t.

We hung out a bit, not too much at first but I think we both knew…just this spark between women, you just know your people when you meet them….well that and after one of the first “wild” nights her “didn’t see anything” look let me know, this girl gets me. She began working at The Wine Country after Kelly told us that she really wanted to help out, be a part of the French wine department. I was down, she was cool, worked her ass off and has a passion for French wine, food and Champagne like no one I knew, why wouldn’t I want that?!

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So fast forward a couple years, Kelly moved on to pursue a teaching career, I took over France and Amy was still on board to help out, she conducted all the French and bubble classes, (I am stricken with stage fright and she is a professor in her real job) and I provided all the “comedic” flair and interjections, our “brand” was a huge hit….classes sold out in record time, and somewhere in there…we, well we found each other.

Turns out, everything cool I wanted to do, I wanted to do with her, dinners, tastings, classes, Sunday meals, football days, the thought would pop into my head and I swear the next thought was, “I wonder if Amy and Sexy Bitch are up to it?” they always were. Now what? I sit here, cigarettes burning, ipod blaring in my ears, glass of Champagne in my hand, fingers flying across a keyboard…a good night for me in every way, but there is this thing…this thing hanging there, my Amy, my best friend, my muse….she’s leaving….cannot hide the fact that I am completely broken, and lost just thinking about being without that, big, toothy, white, scary, day-making grin.

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My inspiration? Love, true love. You know, you look at your life, all the things that make you, you…all of it, shity and glorious, they all add layers, layers to the immensely textured people that we all are, kind of beautiful if it didn’t suck at times like these, Amy, well she is part of me, so deeply buried in my heart that right this second, I don’t know who I was before I met her…hope to never find out who I am without her.

So I guess I find myself writing another love letter of sorts, (So funny, right this second the song growling in my ears just said, “Momma told me someday that girl is going to take your mind, never knew before, but I know now” perfect) this time to my girl, my Amy…I love you girlie.


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Amy,

I write this letter to you, here on my blog because we are far too cool to like share our real feelings and stuff, but there are a few things you need to pack away in those boxes headed for Texas…one of them is my heart, you have it, it will never be the same without you in it. My days will not be the same without the hope that you might stop in after your ass kicking at the gym across the street, my text messages from the severely text challenged, emails that are always subject lined, “Hi”.

You my sweet sensitive beast, have forever changed me, could never be that Sam I was before you, don’t wish to be. You have taught me to love myself, do you have ANY idea what that means to me? You probably don’t, which is another reason this had to be written…your love of the written word and vehement support of mine…could not let this wretched, but understandable moment pass without telling you just how much you have changed me….forever, you Amy have been responsible for more happiness and love than I can ever show you with my meager verbage.

Jesus, this is hard….pile of snot rags are growing beside me darlin’…I just need you to know, know that you Amy…are one of the most amazing, (shut up Sexy Bitch) women I have ever met, your love and friendship are things that I hold as tight to my chest as I possibly can, they make me the woman I am, and make me beam with pride. There is nothing I can think of to give you that can top that, but I promise to write you all the time, keep clean sheets on the guest bed and I will love you FOREVER, no matter where you live…hope you can pack that too.

You know better than anyone that my heart is not an easy place to get into, not bragging…kind of a flaw of mine truthfully…but that grin, that, “C’mon Sam” grin, and I’m done, I’m in and down for whatever your adventure filled mind has working. None of that will change love, I will still walk through burning glass…or to the nearest bar with and for you, You and Me Girlie, we can do anything….and we will.


I so love you
I will so miss you
I will look forward to your visits
I cannot thank you enough
I know I have met one of my great loves
I won’t be letting her go
Your Best Friend,
Sam

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PS...Wanna make a run for it?!

I love you...I really do, forever Aims...you're stuck with me forever.

11 comments:

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Sam,

I don't belong here, so I'll be brief.

This was beautifully written and very moving. I'm speechless, which may never have happened before.

Amy,

You are the luckiest woman alive.

Humbly,
Your HoseMaster

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron,
Thank you...so much from the bottom of my broken heart. We will get through it, took a life time to find her, what's a few more years right?
Thank you again for the support and kind words.
Love,
Sam

Thomas Pellechia said...

Amy must be fantastic. She's also lucky to have a friend who is willing to publicly articulate as you have, Sam.

Those of us who make it through life with one or two true friends, are extremely lucky--and rare.

Samantha Dugan said...

Thomas,
She is, and I think we are both very lucky. True friendship is a very rare and beautiful gift and this gift, well this one will be with me forever.
Thanks for the kindness, means a lot.

vickibarkley said...

Reading this was so moving. You've articulated a profound truth about human connection. Thank you for being so generous in sharing this. You and Amy (and your husbands) are truly blessed. I seldom use that word, but it's the only one that seems to fit.

Jessica said...

Okay - crying on the couch... WOW! So sorry to hear that they are actually leaving, I know it is super tough for you.

Thanks for sharing, and opening yourself up, I can totally appreciate the difficulty!

Big Colorado Smile, Hugs & Kisses!
Jess

K Claret said...

Sam-

Feeling for you all the way from the east coast! To great friends and the joy they bring to all of us! Cheers!

Kevin.

Anonymous said...

Since the day you walked into Amy's life, a true sense of peacefulness had filled me. You know "our little beast's" heart runs deep, but she too does not let many into that world. You have been the greatest friend she has ever had and have made her a happier, more open, and better person. I will always love you for that. I to live many, many miles away from my bestest of friends and effort has allowed those friendships to continue to grow in spite of so many miles. Distance may change, but your friendship will not. She has been and will be incredibly blessed to have such an amazing person in her life. You have written a keep sake I will cherish forever. My love and thoughts go out to you.

Rach

Samantha Dugan said...

Vicki,
Dude, you have to know what a loss this is, you know us, you have seen us in action...the way we just bounce off one another..it's like we were not finished until we met. She will still fly out for classes and such, so we can still work our, "bubble girl" thang for you guys. I knew you would understand lady.

Kevin,
So sweet, so nice to know that it was felt...need that right now!

Jess,
I'm crying too, see we still have so much in common. So you know when people say, "What's the worst that could happen?" think I found the answer...sigh.

Rachie,
Okay...I just totally lost my shit. If we are going "there" I want you to know how much your sister loves you, how proud of you she is and how she lights up like I have never seen when she talks about you. You are her everything darlin', hope you know that, own that and carry that with you every day. Our "Monster" has the biggest most giving heart...and she has at least two people that know who she is, everything that she is and loves her for all of it.
Thank you so much...not for making me feel like I might barf, (sheesh dude, trying to kill me much?!) but for saying what might be hard for her to.
I love you too Rach.
Kisses
Sam

Nancy Deprez said...

Sorry she is leaving for Texas, Sam!!!! She will be back!

Thank you for sharing this beautiful post. What a wonderful friendship!

Anonymous said...

Sam.

Sighs. This is lovely indeed. The most moving part for me, that your friend helped you learn to love yourself. How priceless. Thanks for letting me share this. I am sorry Steph and and I never partied with you, Carl, Amy and Sexy Bitch....oh, I can't not laugh when I write that.

I have not been to so cal in an AGE but when we do get down there, I will surely let you and C know.

Troy