Saturday, July 10, 2010
Before I Wake
“What a useless waste of space, if I should die before I wake” the words of Lauryn Hill, her raspy but precise voice groaning words of regret and self punishment. I chucked the CD in on my way home, a soundtrack that drags my range of emotion from elation to sorrow which is where Lauryn often takes me. The sentiment of this particular song pulls at this Irish woman’s core, well likely at the core of any people that have had the weight of parental, religious or societal oppression as a tool to install or impose guilt. I just so happen to be of a people that sin fantastically and I like to think that I have done my ancestors proud. Hard living, hard drinking, foul language and horny…yeah, sounds about right no?
“My guilty heart behaves so foolishly. This treason from within, that reasons with my sin, won’t be happy till it sees the death of me” …..Damn Lauryn. I’ve done too much of re-hashing of old stories as of late so I will refrain from bringing up what got me to this particular mantra that I live by but in short, I could be gone tomorrow and I would hate to, “go out” with a heart that is full of regret. I decided long ago to not be bound by the confines of anyone’s idea of what my life or behavior should be and in doing so I found that while some may worry that I am living my life too fast, others understand that life is in fact often far too short. You know those moments that you look back on and think, “Damn, I wish I would have” yeah well I have very few of those.
Life has seasoned me with the very real understanding that sometimes the light just goes out; dad dead at 26 and mom at 55. No warning, no illness, just gone. So much left unsaid, undone and never felt. I don’t know about you but thinking about being done without feeling all that can or could, well that threat seems far worse than any hangover, morning after conversation or little pang of fear of the unknown. I simply don’t want to wake one day and think, “Yeah I played by all the rules, played it safe and my whole life has been a spinning loop of Thursdays” as a matter of fact that scares me most of all.
So as I sit here the night before I board a plane, an act that I will confess makes me terribly nervous, I started thinking about the things I still ache to do. The things that I have yet to feel due to financial, timing or logistical constraints. All my sweet….and some not so sweet, little fantasies, the ones I drift off to sleep thinking about, the ones that chirp in my ear and tug at my heart, keep me fired up and full of desire. With Lauryn’s words still rolling around in my head, “What a useless waste of space if I should die before I wake” I thought of the things I would hate knowing I never got a chance to do.
I would regret never
Dancing with my son at his wedding
Holding my sister’s child
Spending a week in Champagne
Being in France with Amy
Drinking an aged Barolo….in Barolo
Playing one round of golf with my beloved husband, (his true love…not mine)
Making love on the deck of a sailboat at night
Spending an afternoon tasting wine with Ron Washam, two things I love
Laughing so hard I peed my pants….the previous might help with this one
Drinking a bottle of Montrachet
Having Tom Wark make me a cocktail
Tasted the perfect French fry
Feeling Charlie Olken’s lips on my cheek
Spending a week in Greece
Making The Wine Country the most successful wine shop in Southern California
Being able to just once look at myself and not feel like the ugliest woman in the room
Sharing a bottle of Pastis with John Kelly….in Beaune
Shaking Eric Asimov’s hand
Telling Chuck Morris that I truly adore him
Making Michael Sullivan laugh so hard he snorts wine out his nose
Finishing the books that Thomas and Chris sent me....their books
Meeting the people that read this silly crap I write….share a glass of wine with them
Making love over a barrel in a Burgundian cellar
Having my feet rubbed while I drink a bottle of Vogue Bonnes Mares
Had my true love drink red wine from the small of my back
Damn, better quit I could keep this up all night and I have some packing to do. By this time on Monday I will have checked a few of those reader meetings off my list.....see you Monday Benito and Michael!