Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Note To The Big Guys
Dear Kind and Somewhat Simple Minded Sirs,
I am writing you in an effort to avoid the awkward and honestly, very annoying conversation that we will be forced to have when....and yes I know it will be a "when" not an "if" you come in the shop over the next two days to drop your, "Killer deals!" on me. As I have mentioned to you before, (go ahead and read that as over and freaking over again) we are a shop that specializes in artisan and small grower Champagnes. Period.
We have built our reputation on finding wines that taste and feel like they were made by somebody, wines with personality, texture, length and freshness, you know wines that have everything your bulk produced, been sitting in a warehouse for God knows how long, insipid, often tired and flat tasting "But it's got a good name" brands don't. Yeah, those wines.
So I regret to inform you that I shan't be taking the five cases of Yellow Label, Whatever Star, Cordon Rouge or any of the other shit wines that at no matter how much a discounted price, (and let's be honest....I know it's a stretch for you but, you're gonna charge us more per bottle than Costco or BevMo are selling them for) still offer no value to my customers and have the ever good for business "Nah, I don't much care for it" Wine Country seal of ambivalence.
I understand that you are just doing your job, I mean those millions of cases aren't going to move themselves, (um, and you might want to stop using that line, "They sell themselves" when begging me to take some off your hands. If they did you wouldn't be here breaking my balls to take some. Just sayin') but as we have discussed ad nauseam, they don't move at The Wine Country either so offering me a free case to toss upon the five cases that I will still be looking at next December isn't quite the bait you seem to think it is.
I thank you very much for your attention to this letter and I ask that you print it out and read it again come February. I have neither the time nor the desire to beat this dead horse with you, again. Figured it would be in the interest of time, and my freaking blood pressure to contact you and be as frank as possible. No means no.....still.
Should you have any further questions or need any clarification please consult my spokesmen:
They can be found at the firm of, We Do It Better Than You
1 (800) Get-Clue