Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Wine Or What?

Harmless enough right? But what if we look at it from another angle...





So this product is being sold as wine and does in fact have wine in it. Red wine even, because you know, red wine is way more classy. What could be more sophisticated than pouring yourself a glass of this....um, wine and giving it a good spin, you know, to open it up and all....

 Just look at the milky sludge aka legs on this baby. Gack!!

Who is this for? I just don't get it. You're selling it as wine, to people I'm assuming don't care much for the taste of wine, for what? So they can pretend to be refined while glugging down chocolate milk with 14% alcohol? Why not just sell it as Baileys Light? Not "fancy" enough?


Ewe....

13 comments:

Another Day of Crazy said...

Revolting stuff. I'll admit I've tried it... a hostess poured me a glass, telling me how wonderful it was, and I didn't want to be rude. Had one sip and discreetly poured the rest out.

Vile bile is more like it. And to make it mint? Even worse.

WineNWaves said...

Hahahah I've had it!

Just because wine is a constituent of it does not make it wine.

Wine is an ingredient in Sangria but wine enthusiasts seldom confound the two.

This is a novelty. A fun gimmick and a great addition to iced morning coffee (especially after a heavy night) or a great "afternoon delight iced latte"(it curdles if you try to steam it, so, whatever concoction you make of it must be chilled).

To me, the unfortunate aspect is that they market this as wine.

However, we must consider that those attracted to this because it is "cocoa infused wine" are not wine enthusiasts. They are the all to common Yellowtail / 2$Chuck "wine enthusiasts" who love to tell everyone how they adore wine yet take no time to look, smell or analyze anything they guzzle down in the 3 seconds it takes for the wine to hit their glass before it is shoveled down their esophagus never touching any part of the mouth that detects quality juice.

Items like these are great indicators of these two very different types wine appreciators: those that are interested in genuine expressions and alcoholics. A bit extreme and maybe a tad unfair, yes, but true.

The paradox though is that in every enthusiast, whichever you may be or claim to be, lies the seeds of the other. Just because you seek genuine expressions doesn't make you impervious to novelty items such as this. And just because your attracted to cocoa vino, doesn't mean a true enthusiast doesn't lie somewhere in that poor, novelty-market addled mind.

Lisa said...

Are those... marshmallows? Hm, they're white grapes?? Are they supposed to look like mini marshmallows? Cause the label screams "Swiss Miss".

I like that they describe it as "a marriage!" It doesn't sound like a very happy marriage.

John M. Kelly said...

Let's think back to those multiple choice analogies you see on standardized tests:

"This product is to wine as poop is to ________."
(a) brownies
(b) scotch
(c) pepper bacon
(d) cambazola
(e) all of the above

It is rare that I have so strong a negative reaction as this product induces in me. Cognitive dissonance doesn't begin to cover it. Let me just say this:

If you (whoever you are) actually buy this product, you are a born sucker. If you actually drink it and actually like it, you just suck - if you ever darken the doorway of my store I will personally throw you out.

Can you imagine the financial genius that recommended investing in this dreck?

webb said...

Disgusting! It's a huge insult to both wine AND chocolate!

Joe said...

I've tried the similar "ChocoVine".

I don't like Yoo Hoo, but I appreciate that they at lease made Yoo Hoo capable of giving you a buzz.

Samantha Dugan said...

Another Day of Crazy,
I had heard of it and tried it over this past weekend. Um, not for me that is clear but the thing that bothers me is that they are trying to sell this "stuff" as wine. It has about much to do with wine as crayons do.

Nick,
Very good points kid and I can actually feel your sweetness and wanting to accept. I get that and I too suffer with mocking of anyone or anything that might encourage wine consumption but....this is a whole other thing. I think this shit will do more to turn people off of wine than actually get them into it. The reason being of course that it is so far removed from anything; from color, texture and flavor, from wine that it is utterly laughable. It's not the fact that someone likes it that makes me laugh, it's the fact that marketers are trying to pass this low alcohol liqueur off as wine that is a fucking massive joke....on the consumer. That part bugs the living hell out of me.

Lisa,
Dude, they totally look like marshmallows....subliminal marketing at its best.

John,
I feel ya darlin but I have to tell you, there are people that like it and as I said earlier, that's not what irks me...not gonna yuck someone yum but selling it as wine?! That is where you cross the line with me and I honestly feel like they are preying on, and essentially making fun of people that don't know any better. Can you just imagine the poor person that goes out to buy wine for a dinner party, for like their spouse's boss or whatever and they pick this up?! Fuck. If they just walk into a wine store and grab something chances are they would fare better than pouring this abomination. Dreadful...

webb,
Oh it is so awful. Best part is the sharp as hell spike of alcohol you get on the back! I shit you not, it tastes like Baileys and does not belong anywhere near a wine glass....shot glass maybe.

Joe,
Yes but, who are you marketing to if you are selling boozy Yoo Hoo? One customer that tried it said, "Just gave me an excuse to get a 19 year old girlfriend". Look, I get Stella Rosa, Moscato and any other sweet wine that makes people comfortable drinking wine and may open them up to trying new things...this is not that. I mean, where the hell does a retailer take someone after this garbage? As an after dinner nightcap might work but aside from that? What am I going to day if...or when someone asks me if this will go with their spaghetti and meatballs? (grumble)

Benito said...

I've got a reputation for trying just about anything, but I draw the line at these chocolate-wine muddy water concoctions.

Ditto for kalimotxo. When it comes to combining chocolate milk or Coca-Cola with wine, I choose to side with Jules from Pulp Fiction: "Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

Joe said...

Ha! Nice one, Benito...

Oh, and I clearly was saying "least", not "lease". I must have looming homeowner sell/lease conundrums on my mind.

Valerie said...

Mint? What's next, Peanut Butter?

Can I just quote your New Year's Eve doozie from my December "Wordless Wednesday - Why?!" on Chocovine?

"Two words, Bubblegum Vodka...dude. They make that kind of crap for people that don't like the taste of real wine or alcohol, kind of like baby food, designed for the untrained palate. The thing is once people drink too much of shit like that and end up horking it up my guess is they will resolve themselves to the fact that they don't like wine....ugh."

And my favorite: "Just the chocolate milky look of it makes the little gag hairs on my neck stand up." (Sam Sans Dosage, '10)

Yep. You're famous. I'm quoting you & shit.

PS: Word verification is "sessi" Plural of Italian noun "sesso" meaning "sexes/genders."

The stuff I find amusing in the morning...

Samantha Dugan said...

Ben,
You swore! I am so fucking shocked. Actually I'm not but I do now see the power of using it gently, you made me blush. I was wondering if you did in fact have a line and am feeling a little proud of myself for choking down that what you would not.

Valerie,
Don't say that!!! Fuck, I just know some marketing asshole is now going to come up with a peanut butter and jelly wine. Okay just typing that gave me a gag shiver. If I see that I am coming to CO and kicking your ass.

Oyster Daddy said...

The other day, on my next to last day of vacation, I tried an oyster at a Boston eatery that was supposed to taste like champagne.

Now, I like oysters and I like champers, and I like champers with oysters.

They just don't taste like each other.

I like wine and I like chocolate, but they don't taste like each other either.

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